Dearest Hobbes...

My dearest Hobbes,

It has been a while since I wrote anything that resembles a letter, I hope you will not mind of my absence from life. This limbo I have put myself in is not of a fun one, but new things I am learning through this experience. There are things that I would like to pour out from the bottom of my heart, but I have let it sunk so deep, I thought I will never see them again, but that is not what it seems.

I know I try to be the best person I can be, but it seems to me that will never be enough. These days have been horrible, though I felt a certain bliss in me that I myself cannot fathom. Yesterday was the last straw, and I knew right then that I cannot take it anymore. I was so frustrated from work that I put myself in the worst position ever. I fractured my hand in a fit of anger, and now I have to suffer for something I do not deserve, or do I?

To be away from work today made me feel really good. But I cannot hide the fact that I have been thinking about my past more and more, and the worst is when I thought about the time when I was so much younger and the horrible things I have done without thinking of the consequences. And now it has caught up to me. I am in a state of shock, I have never forgiven myself for doing such things, and I will never. Attempting suicide was the best answer I came up with a couple of years ago. It felt like the right thing to do because of what I did.

Somehow this time, I chose to face it straight on. I am afraid, however, that I might lose this struggle. Knowing that doing this alone will require all of me, the best of me to be precise, but I am not the best. I am ashamed of what I was back then, and I am afraid now that I will not be capable of doing this by myself. Maybe this pain, has reminded me of my weaknesses, yet, I have endured so much... Will this be my last stand against my very being?

I wish I can hold you in my arms again like so long ago, every day I am grieved of your passing. I know, deep down you have been waiting for me, and throughout all these years I wish I can see you again. I wish I can have a friend, a friend whom I can share all this with. Someone who will understand, and accept the person I am, a partner who will cherish my existence. But it seems loneliness has knocked on my door and welcomed itself in. I am afraid I will let it stay, because I am beginning to feel that no one else will walk through that door again.

What will I do if this is the plunge? The start of many bad things are happening,  and I feel the descent right this moment. If I do not make it out this time, I hope you will understand. I am weak. I have been struggling to move on, and I have limped my way day by day. No one will notice such a loser, and no one will ever care to look back and say: "Hey, hurry up!" That encouragement is now gone, I know my family cares for me, but this loneliness is ever overwhelming to face alone. I feel everyone is moving on with their lives, and I am losing what is left of my sanity.

Does it matter anymore? If this is my last letter to you, please forgive me. I have not been the best for you, but you were the best that happened to me, and I am grateful to be someone to you. I wish this letter could have been in a better note, but please bear with me.

Until next time, my dearest friend.

-Alan